The Disabled List Hoe-Down
Line up in the barn, face to face,
Grab your partner and a can of mace!
Link your elbows, spin around,
Strain your partner's triceps and knock him down!
Take out his shoulder and kick him in the heel,
Herniate a disc, then dance with Jason Schiell!
Anyone know first aid?
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
The Disabled List Hoe-Down
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Read this. The Passion of the Major League Baseball Preview. Good preview, and funny as hell. (Except for the part where he predicts Oakland to beat Boston in the ALCS.)
Yanks lose the first game of the year to the Devil Rays. I was actually considering staying up to watch this game but then came to the realization that just because I'm starved for regular season MLB doesn't mean I have to do something crazy like watch a Yankees game. Come on Sunday!
Monday, March 29, 2004
Six more days!
Pokey Reese is getting some positive press today. Jack McKeon says this: "If he hits .260, that's good. He'll save you 40-50 runs a year. If he knocks in 35 runs, tack them on and say he knocked in 85." If I were King of the World (I guess it would be Queen or Empress, since I'm a chick,) Pokey Reese would be the starting shortstop of the 2005 Boston Red Sox. My husband is on this kick lately about how the Sox should get Deivi Cruz, who was recently released by the Devil Rays, to play at second base while Pokey takes over shortstop. This would be a highly economical move and would make the keystone very solid, but we would be losing too much run production, IMO. Neither Cruz nor Reese are any great shakes at the plate. Pokey Reese has said that he'll play wherever his team wants him to play, but he also said this: "...a lot of people consider me a 2nd baseman, but I consider myself both (2nd and SS.) I've been looking for a home for a long time, and what better place is there to play than Boston?" Indeed...
Kevin Millar is back at it with his new diary. Couldn't they have picked someone else to do it this year? Ortiz, maybe? Pokey? Varitek? Schilling? Maybe they could do Pedro's monthly diary, and we'd all get to read 6 paragraph diatribes about how everyone hates him because he is black and Dominican. I used to really like Millar, but I got kinda put off by the whole A-Rod, ESPN interview thing. Maybe the best thing for him would be to pull a Leonard Cohen and take a vow of silence in a buddhist monastery for a year.
There's some activity on Manny's website. That picture on the right - yikes! - looks like someone got into Pedro's jerricurl juice.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
We were just watching this show on ESPN about spring training and the upcoming season, and Todd Walker was on there saying "I definitely believe in Boston's curse, but not so much in Chicago's." That is what we in Over the Rhine call good, old-fashioned haterism.
Penny of the Florida Marlins shut out the Sox today, with Lowe giving up 3 runs and 4 hits in 7 innings of work. Final score was 4-0.
Nomar will most likely miss opening day in Baltimore and may be out all the way until April 10th if he is put on the DL to start the season. Trot Nixon is headed to a spinal center to continue rehabbing his back. Apparently he is making good progress and is still on pace to return in the beginning of May.
Only one more week until Opening Day!!!
Oh, one more thing. There is a small fraction of Sox fans who have been calling David Ortiz "Ortizzle." This drives me crazy. Let me just take a moment and explain how incorrect that is. There are three major suffixes in slangy rap star speak: -izzle, -eezy and -iggity. You conjugate words into rap star-speak based on the sound of the word's last syllable. "Shit" would translate to "shizzle," while "sheet" would translate to "sheezy." Which is why "Ortizzle" is so fucking wrong, and obviously the brainchild of some person posessing a crippling amount of dorky whiteness. It should be Orteezy. Okay. I'm done. My soul is unburdened. For more help with rap star slang, visit Tha Shizzolator.
Saturday, March 27, 2004
I couldn't make this shit up. If you don't know me in personal life, I'm one of two fish cooks at a five star French restaurant here in Cincinnati. It's pretty upscale, as you can imagine - a very elegant dining room, very attentive service, all that. In addition to the dining room, we also have two large rooms on the second floor which people can buy-out for the purpose of having us cater a party to them on the premises. We do about 4-5 of these parties a week, on average. Last night we had a party for 40 people upstairs. They're getting a four course meal, with the course off of fish station being the scallop appetizer - nothing unusual. Except for the fact that the dinner is to be served in complete darkness, with the servers all wearing nightvision goggles. I'm not lying, so help me God. I ran upstairs to the party room as soon as I heard about this shit, and sure enough, there's a server walking out of the party room looking like Jame Gumb in "Silence of the Lambs," only wearing a tuxedo. Un-fucking-believable. It was some kind of dating service that hosts dinner parties in the dark, that's their gimmick. But talk about bizarre. I've never seen anything like that before in my life. I put the nightvision goggles on, it was pretty cool. It made me want to put on a woman suit and chase Jodi Foster around the restaurant with a .45 magnum.
In baseball news, Sox beat the Pirates 5-1, with Arroyo throwing 72 pitches in 6 innings, 1 ER, 4 Ks.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Woah woah woah, people. Let's all just calm down about the Pedro's fastball controversy. It's starting to get old. We won't know exactly what he's capable of until the regular season starts, and furthermore, I honestly do not care whether the man throws a single fastball over 91mph for the rest of his life as long as he keeps getting wins. I understand that there is more involved in this issue than just whether or not Pedro can throw 97mph anymore. He is in the last year of his contract and the Sox management are trying to figure out if he's durable enough for a long term contract and all that. But the Sox are taking care of business. Shaughnessy, in his latest article, quoted Larry Lucchino as saying: "Ordinarily you like to diversify your portfolio so that player's contracts don't all come up at the same time. Due to an unfortunate confluence of events, we are making some exceptions to our general policy about no negotiating during the season...we're not on a stopwatch. We're not trying to get things done in the next 6 days." I would venture to speculate that having so many contracts to deal with isn't the only reason why the Sox are going to take their time deciding on a contract offer for Pedro...They probably want to see him in action over time during the regular season before they make a judgement on his value. I think we should all follow their lead and just chill out with the spring training panic bullshit.
Incidentally, I can't believe I quoted a Dan Shaughnessy article today, but believe it or not it's not as outright offensive as most of his drivel is. Usually I want to bash Shaughnessy in the brainstem with a rusty anchor, but not today. Perhaps he realizes that if Pedro leaves town he will have to invest too much time ruining another player's reputation and inventing catty things about them to write about. Or perhaps, as I have always suspected, his overbearing negativity and constant personal attacks on Pedro are really indicative of deeply repressed homosexual desire. [Haha, I can't even write this with a straight face.] Sort of like how kids in third grade pick on the little girls they like the most - that kind of vibe. Hey Danny, I can't blame you kid - Pedro does have a hot bod and a butt that looks tighter than bed sheets on an army bunk, but I think you're going about things the wrong way. Just ask the man out and spare me all the shitty "journalism."
Thursday, March 25, 2004
I'm one of those people that talk/yell at the television. Even if I'm just watching Law and Order or whatever and one of the suspects says something stupid to Lenny Briscoe, I'll be like "Boy, this dumb bitch is going down!" Fortunately, I hardly ever watch regular television. But during the summer when we're watching baseball games every night, my tv-yelling becomes nearly an art form. Just ask my husband. He's the quiet type (further proof that opposites attract,) and is happy just throwing his Sox hat at the tv screen. Not me. Although I also throw my hat, it's usually accompanied by something like "(player name), you (expletive) moron, I've seen rigor-mortised corpses make better plays at (position) than you!" (Fill in the blanks.) But don't think I'm always ranting and raving - I also cheer a lot, too. You know, encouraging guys at the plate to get a hit or extoling whomever is on the mound to strike this POS SOB out, etc. But the bottom line is that all this yelling and talking at the television has caused me and those close to me to develop a lot of nicknames for Sox players.
Some are pretty obvious, some are kind of arcane and involve inside jokes, but I love them all and I'm going to post them because I'm so geeked for the regular season to start. I have to give a lot of credit to my friend John Frakes, who - even though he dislikes baseball - is one of the funniest guys to watch a baseball game with.
Johnny Damon: Tattoo, cause he looks like the midget from Fantasy Island, if he weren't a midget, that is. Sometimes just called J.D.
Nomar: Unfortunately Nomar became "Mr. Useless" at the end of the season, and I can't really remember what we were calling him before that.
Manny: Manny has had a lot of nicknames, but the one that has really stuck is Bubba. And we mean that affectionately. Any ball that Manny must field can also be accompanied by singing calliope-like circus music.
Kevin Millar: is and always will be Big League, since he looks more or less dead on the guy on the Big League gum pouches.
Trot Nixon: you can either call him Trawt, with your best redneck drawl, or Crowbake. It's one of those obscure things - my crazy ass station partner said Trot's filthy batting helmet looked like he had baked a crow on it...for some reason it stuck.
David Ortiz: Zeus or Thor. For awhile we were calling him Shrek but we noticed he always had bad at-bats after that. Too mean-spirited.
Jason Varitek: JVT, nothing special there.
Pedro Martínez: Sweet P. I can't explain this one, though, because it's slanderous, and when you make $9.50 an hour you generally try to avoid lawsuits.
That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I have to go to work early today because we are doing an off-site party of 250 (what a nightmare.) Too bad the Scum beat us yesterday. Adios.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Remember what I said yesterday about the Sox waiting until after the season to work out an extension with Pedro? According to the Herald it looks like I'm probably wrong, and I couldn't be happier. Pedro was involved in face-to-face negotiations with Sox management, including John Henry, and was said to leave the meeting "happy." No details were made public, but the article states: "It is relatively rare for a player to be present at these types of meetings, and it is obvious the presence of both Martínez and Henry was a sign of willingness on both sides to be flexible about forging a path that would lead to a mutually satisfying deal."
The Sox are saying (again) that they are making a "concerted effort" to resign Nomar, despite not having answered Nomar's agent Arn Tellum a response to their recent counteroffer. Hopefully this is just lip service. It seems pretty obvious to me that Nomar expects to be overpayed and have his ass kissed since his feelings got hurt during the whole A-Rod debacle. I've already written about a million times why it's really okay for the Sox if Nomar walks, and I'm not going to get into it again.
Speaking of free agents, D.Lowe was awesome yesterday! It's killing me not to be able to see these games!! No Sox spring training games on in Cincinnati, not even their games against the Reds. I hope we beat the living be-Jesus out of the Scum today. Go Sox!
It's good to be back after a week of banishment from the blogosphere, thanks to the morons at Upsaid.com. I geeked out yesterday when I ordered the MLB Extra Innings package from the cable company. The regular season is just around the corner!
Sox news: Ramiro Mendoza has sustained yet another injury, this time by cutting his finger on the seam of a baseball during a game of catch. Absolutely ridiculous. Next thing you know this guy is going to pull his hamstring rolling out of bed in the morning.
More speculation about Nomar going to the Dodgers.
And an interesting article in ProJo about Pedro's suspect velocity. It's only spring training - it's very possible that Pedro doesn't want to throw as hard as he can. Other pitchers aren't. The suggestion of a problem with Pedro's mechanics being caused by a sore shoulder are a little bit more disturbing, but could very well just be media garbage. I am starting to think that Sox management may wait until the end of the season before offering Pedro a contract, just to guage his durability.